Hares: Come Slowly, LTTB, Ivana, MasterKater
Location: Cross-country Hash. Shihu Lake - southwest Suzhou
Highlights: Wuxi Hashers embarrass their home Hash by hijacking e-bikes from old Suzhounese ladies for shortcutting (and yes, we have made a formal complaint to their GM about this!!!), Agatha takes a smelly swim, Why Not misleads the pack with her blue chalk at checkpoints, Come Slowly hares her first Hash and both she and Slippery C. get named. The words 'rubber chicken' take on a whole new meaning, and where did all those Finns come from, anyway?
HASH TRASH for 13th March 2010.
The hashers started to gather and sit in the sun outside the assigned meeting place, the Ebony Restaurant, oblivious and little suspecting what horrors the hares (or were they assassins?) had in store for them – of course the Wuxi Hashers got it wrong and sat outside La Rose instead – Anti-social or just in error?
The scenes of Agatha parting with his family to board the bus were indeed quite touching if not downright heart rending.
On the bus total confusion and bemusement! 38 bums were firmly affixed to seats but only 33 bottoms were registered however, far better too many than too few. There were scurrilous unfounded suggestions that maybe we had deliberately kidnapped innocent bystanders but this proved not to be the case, everyone was there of their own free will.
Again Agatha was a par excellent as beer bitch on the bus, but strangely not many hashers took up his offer and supply of open bottles of beer – did some of the hashers have a premonition of what was to come?
After about an hour the coach turned off the main highway onto the foundations of a new road, one attempt to get to the start of the run had to be abandoned for fear of causing terminal damaging the hash transport, the coach had to loop back and try a different approach.
Dear Hares please note, just because an army tank, an agricultural tractor or 4x4 can get across an obstacle course it does not mean that a 45 seater coach full of hashers complete with their beer can!
Finally tarmacadam and a smooth surface again, blessed relief from the attempt to shake one’s fillings loose or, more importantly, shake the beer from hasher’s bladders, the start of the trail.
The hashers now circled up, a quick explanation of the rather quaint system of marking from the hares/assassins* and then we were off.
*(Anni soon to be forever known as Comes Slowly, MasterKater, LTTB and Ivana)
Now some might say that it was a fine trail because the snails and knitting circle ended up in front of the FRB (and Flying Finns) on several occasions due to the two intentionally different runners and walkers trails, but the more observant noted that on many more occasions this was caused by wilful acts of short cutting and gratuitous additional running.
This hash was billed as a “Hash in the Countryside” and it certainly was that alright, there being some decidedly “countryside” surfaces underfoot and even more decidedly “countryside” aroma’s assailing the hashers nostrils.
After successfully crossing several ditches and chasms that would put many an anti-tank trap to shame, the order of arrival at the beer stop went something like, a few runner, snails and knitting circle followed, some considerable time later, by the FRB’s and Flying Finns. The speed of their running was so fast that they kept overshooting the marks – almost missing, heaven forbid, as witnessed by all present, the signs to the beer stop!!! Luckily they heard the cries of Alarm? Assistance?? Derision??? from the body of the hash and made the beer stop after all. Finally just when people were starting to get worried, Agatha hove into view on the horizon and the Hares/assassins breathed a combined sigh of relieve, we had keep our 100% record of never loosing one!
In a jovial happy mood the hashers started the second half of the trail, but this joviality soon disappeared when they reached the bottom of what must surely have been the inspiration for the song “stairway to heaven” one of the Wuxi hashers was so impressed that he felt compelled to leave an imprint of his trainer in the newly laid and smoothed concrete. But in reality this stairway was only a prelude for what was to follow, this was simply the foothills before the start of the mountain range to come.
However before an assault could be made on the mountain proper the hashers had to traverse several cemetery’s and burial grounds, luckily some of the hashers were wearing crucifixes and other sacred objects to ward off the vampires and ghouls that no doubt abounded in, and around, this part of the trail, luckily the day stayed clear and bright with no banks of rolling mist accompanied by flashes of thunder and lightening that are normally omnipresent in all good B Movie horror films. A couple of the Wuxi Hashers inadvertently almost became tomb raiders but luckily were informed of their error and left their newly found trophys to RIP.
Then the long upward slog really started, for ever onwards and upwards, the tree line was soon left far behind, as were several parties of crampon wearing climbers, roped together, practicing for an attempt on Mount Everest, the point at which oxygen masks were medically required was similarly soon passed as our brave hashers struggled forever upwards. The RA swears blind that at one point he looked down onto the TOP of a Jumbo 747 that was flying serenely at its normal cruising level of 35,000 feet in the valley below!!!
Of course what goes up must come down, and down the intrepid hashers came, the terrain and trail was perhaps more suited to mountain goats than mere mortals but hey, when has that ever stopped the hash before? At least the rarefied air was starting to get dense again.
There then followed many case of gross shortcutting by many of the hashers before the On Home sign and the cases of beer came thankfully into view, unfortunately the decidedly “countryside” aroma was still around but this quickly disappeared when Agatha bathed himself in the fountain in the beautifully landscaped gardens of a high class hotel. Soon the circle was formed and brought to order on the carefully manicured lawn of the said high class hotel - well at least the hotel manager appeared to think so on both counts.
A vicious bitter wind (and a threat to call the police from the manager of the hotel) brought the circle to a premature end but not before the naming of Comes Slowly and one of the Flying Finns. Comes Slowly now has the unenviable reputation of being the Harriet that inaugurated “Igor” the new Suzhou Ceremonial accoutrement at our naming ceremonies.
The Bash was held in a Korean Restaurant back in SIP where a good meal was enjoyed by all present, even if it was in – by hash standards – a quiet atmosphere, at the end of the meal several hashers retired to the welcoming atmosphere of the Blue Marlin but the older, wiser ones spied their chance and make good their escape before the e-bike laydee’s could swoop.
HOWEVER in case any hasher mistakenly thinks that because other Suzhou Ceremonial accoutrements did not manage to make an appearance during this hash be WARNED, the prize for the most supportive hasher, the prick of the month and if required “the sausage” are still around and will DEFINITELY make an appearance at our next Suzhou hash.
Finally here is a competition for all those that took part in this Hash, what was the smallest arrow or sign used by the Hares on this run? the RA will open the bidding with an arrow on a pebble less than 5 cm long!!!!
Today's Hash Trash courtesy of Tiny Tim |
